No Pain No Gain

Sorry guys, its time for the bitter medicine of truth: "we're jerks". We mess up, wig out, and make mistakes, say, "Don't worry, it'll never break," and then fix what just broke. We boast, show off, and try to impress girls only to wonder why they can't see how great we are.

Well, they can't see how great we are because they so often see how much of a jerk we can be. And here's a kicker, when we try not to be a jerk that is when we are most like one. We can't win; we're cursed...but maybe not.

What you probably didn't know about jerkiness is that it is a factor many women find essential in a man when they are getting serious in the date-life scene, want to marry, and produce offspring. Now I don't mean to say that a woman says to herself, "Okay, I want to get married. Where's a jerk?" Not at all. Jerkiness is appealing to women; they just don't know that it is. They often mistake jerkiness for other traits like wit, charm, and humor -- that is, with a little coaching from us guys.

This is how it works. First, girls know that guys still play with balls, can't cook, want big toys, and barely dress well (these are excellent jerk qualities, incidentally). They suspect this is due to some mental and emotional immaturities genetically imbedded in the male species (are not, are not, are not). But to a guy, proper jerkiness is a matter of style, cunning, and general clumsiness that naturally takes advantage of the woman's deficiencies (like picking a good man, for example).

Second, think of this:

Why does a man want to marry in the first place? I mean, what guy in his right mind would want to stop dating and give up all those lovely ladies just so he can be with one...for the rest of his entire life? She's going to grow old, get lots of wrinkles, and sag everywhere. Now, is that appealing? Heck no.

Marriage means no more spontaneous nights out with the guys. It means buying a house so you can scrimp and save to pay for it, just so your kids can tear it up and then leave. It means driving a station wagon instead of a Vet and buying diapers instead of C.D.'s. What kind of a guy would want a situation like that? A confused love struck jerk, that's what kind! You see, love blinds us.

Its nature's way of tricking men in the groin and forcing them to produce millions of infant humans...so it'll have more people to trick. I mean, it isn't reason that urges us into the bonds of perpetual, endless wedlock. Maybe there is an I-want-to-get-married gene in us activated by love. But the more I think about it, the more I think it is due to...