Girl logic

"Girl logic" is the label given to describe that series of semi-consecutive feminine thoughts that favored "cute things," "soft things," and cuddly little kittens and puppies. It causes girls to act in such strange displays of behavior that the average man is stupefied in useless attempts to comprehend. The smart man quickly abandons such ventures as he soon realizes severe head pain and vertigo follow.

Each and every man has encountered this highly illusive mental game of matching wits with a woman, most often to his confusion and demise. The average male thinks too clearly, too linearly, and, therefore, can't figure women out at all. The strange marvel is that girl logic makes sense to all women.

There is, most probably, a genetic something that unites all females this way. I have seen groups of them act in behaviorist unison -- as if driven by some common cosmic feminine force -- when they encounter a jewelry department, a sale on clothes, or choosing the color of their shoes. This is all fine and dandy as long as men are excluded. But we aren't!

Every man knows the unmerited agony of being dragged into a clothes store only to have his aesthetic senses crushed into ridiculed oblivion when he says that blue blouse goes well with that green sweater. I've seen girls almost lose their lunch and stare in pathetic disbelief at some poor shlup who got cornered in the women's department and made the inexcusable blunder of commenting on how yellow and pink polka dots go together.

But a multitude of nodding male heads agreeing about the unnecessary suffering imposed upon them in ladies department stores, malls, and markets still does not negate our need to understand some of the less sophisticated nuances of girl logic. Some of these nuances are why they like flowers and cards instead of a socket-set and pliers, why they like expensive dinners instead of pizza and coke, and why their logic finally fails them when it comes to picking a date or possible marriage partner who is obnoxious and somehow interesting.

As you know, we have the opportunity of observing their behavior, and though we cannot relate, we can attempt to anticipate their actions in the hopes of using it to our advantage. All we need to do is understand the paradoxical.

But you might ask, "How can you write about that which you can't understand?" The very fact that you are asking this proves you are using "guy logic." If you were thinking (or trying to think) in girl logic, the question would never have arisen. And since this is a blog on girl logic, I won't answer it because I simply don't feel like it -- so there.

But, it is possible (upon rare moments of dynamic insight) to be able to catch a glimpse of how girl logic operates in the realm of the real world. And, although we may not be able to understand the complexities of this intricate, convoluted system, we can, with great clarity, observe its operations and effects in life.

Of course, were you a woman, this activity would be completely superfluous. But, of course, we are men, and in our attempt to persuade and win women, we need to know this system, or at the very least (which is, for men, the highest level of attainment) understand how to use it.

Lesson 1 in Girl Logic: Girls think with their hearts and not their heads.

Have you ever seen a girl around a pet store? She goes straight to the puppies and kittens. She holds them, pets them, wants them, and loves them all within 30 seconds. Now a guy would look at the underdeveloped animal species and think something like, "Hmmm. That is an infant form of white cat." Or maybe he would think, "All right, that is a brown salivating puppy. It is young, urinating, maybe six weeks old. I wonder if it could fetch."

Guys think practically; girls think emotionally. Guys say "Hmmm, I see an infant animal form." Girls say, "Oh look at him. Isn't he cute. Don't you just want to cuddle him all up. Hi, puppy, wuppy. I wuv you."

Now such diametrically opposed displays of reacting to puppyness and kittenness can be used to your advantage. When you are in a pet store with your date, or girl friend, and she heads straight to the infant-animal-forms-area, you have the opportunity to act in a non-logical, girl-logic manner. What you could do is pick up a random infant cat, if that is possible, or point to it behind the glass and say, "That kitten is cute." The girl you are with will think that you have a deep and compassionate heart, that you are a well rounded kind of guy, and that you would be great around children. Don't ask me how children got into the picture, but girls think about them a lot, especially around cute infant animal forms. When you say something positive about baby animals, girls like it. It is the way they are made. They can't help it.

Next after spying another animal form of potential infant cuteness, maybe a puppy, or rabbit, or hamster, say the same sentence again, only this time substitute the different animal type in the subject part of your previously offered sentence. Say, "That rabbit is cute." Or, "That puppy is cute." You don't have to get mushy and you don't have to ramble on about animal cuteness. Just pick out two animal forms, apply an "It is cute" sentence to it and the girl you are with will be impressed to no end. It works every time.

There is a warning here, though. Do not apply this to rodents, reptiles, or insects. Don't say, "That baby Bolivian slug rat" is cute. The girl you are with will simply stare at you in nauseated disgust and decide right there to never go out with you again. Why? because she's thinking about what your children will look like.

Lesson 2 in Girl Logic: Girls draw conclusions to a set of circumstances or events in such a manner as to completely bewilder men.

For example, you're at your girl's house or apartment. She has just gotten ready. She looks good. You both are going to the zoo. You say, "You better wear some of your not-so-good clothes because we're going to be doing a lot of walking." Of course, your girlfriend or date hears these words all right, but something bizarre happens in her hearing-processing unit. There is a little vocabulary filtering device imbedded in this unit called...

>> The Bewilder Filter <<

This is how it works. When you say a perfectly harmless sentence that contains even the slightest implication of her possessing clothes somewhat below the level of Vogue, what she hears is, "You have ugly clothes. Wear them out in public. All the walking can wear you out because you are only a girl." Now, you don't mean anything like that at all. But, as sure as frogs poop in a swamp, because of this Bewilder Filter, you are now in deep trouble.

She puts her hands on her hips and snaps at you,

"You don't like what I am wearing?" You instantly realize that the Bewilder Filter has kicked in. You think frantically for a clever sentence that will get you out of this predicament. "No, I mean yes. It's fine. Whatever you want to wear is fine. You look good."

She examines you slightly. Her bewilder filter is now working in over-drive. "Are you saying you don't like what I wear? Because if you don't then you don't have to be seen with me in public. I can always find someone who will appreciate me for what I am."

Now, what exactly happened?! I mean, what were you doing?! Nothing! Heck, you were just trying to think about her comfort and look at the consequences. Now she thinks you are an insensitive rogue, and she's threatening the old dumpster routine with you being the garbage. Of course, your facial expression looks like you've been trying to figure out quantum physics and ancient Hieroglyphics all at the same time. She then picks up on your obvious state of confusion, hurt, and dismay and quickly turns the whole charade around. "Oh," she says compassionately, "were you just trying to think about my welfare?"

You cautiously mutter a confused and careful, " . . . Yes."

You're so sweet," she says to her night in shining armor, "I do have another pair of sneakers I could wear. Perhaps you are right. I'll go put them on."

Again you are left drifting in a universe of confusion wondering what the heck happened. Were you sensitive or insensitive? Were you right or wrong? There is no way to be sure. (Sometimes I think that girls do this on purpose just to keep us confused. The only problem is I can't quite figure out if its working or not.)

The obvious conclusion is simple. When Girl Logic combines with the Bewilder Filter, watch out. You don't know what the outcome will be. So the only course of action is to be a gentleman and pray for the best. The Bewilder Filter could work to your advantage or disadvantage. Who knows? So, get ready for a ride.