Why do girls...?

Why do girls go to the bathroom in groups?

I don't get it. When one girl says, "I need to use the ladies room," four or five others get up and join her and hurry off like a bunch of cats. There could be four couples at a restaurant all enjoying a good meal and one girl says she's going to freshen up and that's it, they’re gone. Why do they do that? Furthermore, what do they all do in the bathroom? Do they need three hands to flush a toilet? Are they afraid to be in there alone?

The only rational explanation is that they talk about guys. That has to be it. There isn't any other logical reason. They go in there and gossip. They say things like, "Isn't he cute?", giggle, giggle, giggle. "Can you believe what Tom said, I was so embarrassed," giggle, giggle, giggle. "Mike has a nice car." "Bob's rear is so sexy." "I just love Brian's biceps." The list goes on. I guess a bathroom is a safe haven for women. Its their own little world where they can say things they wouldn't dare say in front of men or normal people. I say we bug the bathrooms.

Why are some girls always late?

Have you ever noticed the time differential between men and women? Let me illustrate. You are at your girl friend's house and you say, Let's go to the movies. She says, "Okay, sounds great." You stand up and instantly you are ready to go. She heads toward the bathroom and says, "I'll be just a minute."

Did you hear what she said? "Just a minute"? Not on your life. After she says that exaggerated statement of incredulity, the only thing you can do is to sit down, turn on the T.V., and watch a football game or two. About the time the tide comes in again, she'll come prancing out of the bathroom and say, "Ready." Of course, by then you're ready to snooze. Dribble is slowing leaking out of your mouth, as you are about to drop off into la la land and snooze a few. You offer a confused stare and say, "Huh? Ready for what?"

Now, this isn't because you're dumb, or even playing dumb, it is because you forgot where you were going. So what happens? She gets upset with you for forgetting what you were going to do. Now is that fair? Especially after it was her fault.

What this whole thing proves, and we know it is true, is that girls have a different concept of time than guys. When guys say 10 minutes they mean ten minutes, 600 seconds. What a girl means is 10 minutes, plus or minus twenty.

The suspicious thing about this phenomenon is that when you tell a girl you'll call her in two days, to her it seems like two weeks. But, if you're a geek then the two days seems like two minutes. To a guy, two days is two days, and that's it.

Remember how the bewilder filter causes problems with girl things, like thinking, waiting, listening, talking, buying, selling, cooking, dating, dressing, etc? When it comes to time you better interpret according to girl time, not guy time. That means if you want to be somewhere by noon, tell her you need to be there at eight o'clock in the morning. That should work out just fine.

Why do girls like to shop?

Shopping is fun; I can see that। Its cool buying a stereo or a jacket। We know what we want। We go into the store and say, "I'll take THAT jacket right there." Its kind of like conquering. Men like to conquer. They conquer by running the bases, making touch downs, making more money...and buying something in three minutes or less.

Girls, on the other hand, will circle, close in, back off, touch, feel, try on, put back, sigh, smile, go to another store, circle, close in, back off, touch, feel,... Its a ritual. They drag it out and enjoy every last shopping moment they can squeeze from the buying experience. And what's more, they like to do it in groups!

So there you have it, how to persuade and win women by being an obnoxious jerk. As you can see it is a complicated and messy business and will take a lot of effort and sacrifice on your part. I'm sorry I couldn't make things simpler for you. Face it, being an obnoxious jerk is what this blog is about and being a jerk simply isn't easy. Most things worth a hoot in life aren't.

The opposite of Love is not hate. It’s Indifference

I have heard so many times sad love stories about being dumped or dumping someone which in many cases get imprinted in my memory like an ancient fossil. Well, we all have soft side in our heart and when that side is wide open we try to be more supportive, more vivid to the fact of this sadness of ours.

"I think inside all of us there is still strength left to pass this situation. Here's How to Get Over It."

We've all been there. We've fallen in love with somebody who just didn’t love us back. We've heard a variety of exit lines: "I think it's time we started seeing other people", "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", or "It's not you. It’s me".

It’s hard to accept when the other person just stops returning phone messages, but it's even worse when they keep calling after the break-up. Running into the object of affection in a public place is also a killer, especially if he or she gives mixed signals by making persistent eye contact. It doesn't help when they send an email every so often to see how you’re doing, either.

Instead, it makes it really easy for you to lie to yourself. You tell yourself that this person really does love you but is afraid of being hurt. The poor thing! If only you could convince him or her that you are a gentle soul utterly incapable of causing pain. If only you could prove your trustworthiness, your dedication. You will win him over! You will make her see! You will!

You lie awake at night replaying the happy scenes between you. You remember the tender way she looked at you while you recited your lines from the Third Grade Christmas pageant over a candlelit dinner. You bring to mind the yielding fullness of his lower lip as you kissed him on the beach. Surely this person loves you! Why must they live in such terror of loving and be loved?

And so it goes. You become caught up in believing that someone who doesn’t love you really does, blinding yourself to opportunities to meet a person who will truly make you happy.

You cannot move on until you stop obsessing, but that’s easier said than done, right? Here's what might work for you:

Tell the person to bug off. Just as you must cease contact with the object of your affection, he or she must cease contact with you. Tell this person you're not ready to be friends and you don't know if you ever will be. Any patronizing emails they send inquiring to your well-being will be left unread and marked as SPAM.

Write down all the things that bothered you. After being dumped, it's natural to idealize the dumper. We remember the happy events and tender moments, but we forget about the time he was chatting away with a blob of scrambled egg stuck to his lip, or how mascara used to crumble in her eye sockets. We forget about the stack of Victoria's Secret catalogs he kept on his night table, or her fondness for using four-letter words in 4-Star restaurants. Nobody is perfect. Everybody has faults, so write down a list of the object of your affections worst traits and pull it out every time that scene of the two of you fooling around at sunrise pops into your head. Tape a copy to your bathroom mirror while you're at it, so you see it first thing in the morning.

Throw out all reminders. It doesn't even have to be a gift. It could be a book you discussed, a bottle of wine you shared that's still on your kitchen counter, or the sheets you slept on together. Treat yourself by replacing everything. Start fresh.

Turn off the radio. You're minding your own business, doing quite well, thank you, when all of a sudden some song comes on the radio that reminds you of the object of your obsession. Change the channel. Snap off the radio. Act fast, or in an instant you will be back where you started, treading the cycle of being in love, jilted, depressed, hopeful, and delusional.

Make the commitment. The reason we obsess about people who hurt us is because its comfortable. Heck, sometimes its even fun. But to move on to the love you deserve, you have to make a commitment to stop obsessing. So make it.

Remember, the opposite of love is not hate. Its indifference. When you're indifferent to the person who hurt you, you will truly be free and on your way to genuine happiness.

The drug store....

So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication. You
ever try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a wall. It's an entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going:

- "Alright, alright, alright, okay, what the hell-- This is quick acting, but this is long lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?"

It's a tough question. And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's wrong with the guy, you know? They always show you, like, all the problems that he's having. First of all, they always show you the human body, which is usually this guy. No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the public. And he's always in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are going through him or he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning is attacking him.

I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?" "Yes I am." "Are you having any lightning with the pain?"